There are times in life when being alone feels like exactly what we need. Someone has hurt us. We’ve experienced rejection, disappointment, grief, or circumstances that have left us feeling lost. Something inside says, I just want to get away from everybody.
Sometimes getting away is exactly what we need! Jesus Himself regularly withdrew from people to spend time alone with His Father. “But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” Luke 5:16 NIV. There is a big difference, however, between healthy solitude and unhealthy isolation. One can refresh and restore us. The other can slowly imprison us.
Research has shown that rejection and emotional hurt can cause people to withdraw as a form of self-protection. That makes sense. When people have hurt us, pulling away can feel safer. But research has also shown that loneliness can become a self-reinforcing cycle. The more isolated we become, the more sensitive we can become to rejection and negative interactions, causing us to withdraw even further.
I think of offense, hurt, rejection, disappointment, and pain as creating something like a slippery road going downhill toward isolation. We usually don’t wake up one morning and decide, I’m going to isolate myself from everyone. We begin sliding there gradually. We stop calling. We turn down invitations. We pull back from church or friends. We keep what we’re going through to ourselves. Before long, we can find ourselves much farther down that hill than we ever intended to go. And climbing back up can be difficult.
That’s why I believe we need to regularly check our balance. Jesus modeled a wonderfully balanced life for us, and I see three important areas worth examining.
First is time alone with God. Jesus regularly withdrew from people to spend time with His Father in prayer. We need those times too—not simply to get away from people, but to get our hearts and minds centered again. Time with God reminds us of who He is, what He has done for us through Jesus, who we have become in Christ, and why He has placed us here. We worship Him, thank Him for His grace and mercy, and remember that our lives have purpose. We are here, among other things, to reflect His love and grace to the people He brings across our path, to the best of our ability. When hurt or disappointment begins turning our attention inward, time with God helps turn our hearts upward and then outward again.
Second, we need a small group of trusted people. Jesus lived among His disciples, and even within the twelve He had Peter, James, and John with Him during particularly significant moments. We need people we can talk honestly with, pray with, laugh with, receive encouragement and correction from, and simply walk through life with. God never intended our Christian life to consist only of attending a church service surrounded by people we barely know. We need a smaller circle where we are known, loved, encouraged, strengthened, and sometimes lovingly challenged. Don’t wait until you’re isolated to build those relationships. Build them while you’re strong, because someday you may need those people to help you stay on your feet.
Third, we need to keep pouring into others. Jesus continually came away from His times of prayer and relationship and stepped back into the lives of people. He taught, healed, encouraged, listened, comforted, and served. His life was never continually turned inward. One danger of prolonged hurt is that our world can gradually become smaller until most of our attention is focused on ourselves and our pain. Sometimes one of the healthiest things we can do is look around and ask, Who can I encourage today? Who could use some kindness, prayer, or help?
We see the danger of losing this balance in Elijah. After an extraordinary victory, Elijah became frightened, exhausted, and discouraged and ran away. Eventually he told God, “I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.” 1 Kings 19:10 NIV: But Elijah wasn’t the only one left. God told him there were still seven thousand in Israel who had not bowed to Baal. Elijah’s feelings were real, but isolation had affected his perspective. God allowed him to rest, fed him, spoke to him, and then sent him back into life and relationship.
So occasionally check your balance. Am I spending meaningful time with God? Am I staying connected to my small group of trusted relationships? Am I still reaching outward and doing something meaningful for others? If hurt has caused one or more of those areas to disappear, recognize the slippery road and make an adjustment before you slide farther than you intended.
God designed us for times of refreshing with Him, meaningful relationships with others, and a life that gives His love away. That’s a healthy balance worth protecting.
“Two are better than one… If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 NIV
Prayer: Father, help me recognize when hurt, disappointment, or discouragement is causing me to withdraw. Teach me to find refreshing in You, to value the trusted relationships You have placed in my life, and to continually look outward for opportunities to share Your love and grace with others. Help me maintain the healthy balance You desire for my life. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
