Dear Ella
You remember I was talking about village politics the other week. Well it seems we have gone to hell in a handcart here.
There are basically 3 separate but overlapping factions in this village. The first is the Parish Council, the second is Aunt Dora's Gossip and Snack Club and the last is the Allotment Committee.
Aunt Dora is very prominent in the Gossip and Snack Club but doesn't pay much attention to the others except that her new love Alfred is a keen and competitive gardener. Aunt Dora didn't even know there were cannabis plants being grown in her shed earlier this year which reflects how much attention she generally pays to the green scene.
We are coming up to the village produce show and it would appear that the usual rivalry between gardeners has reached a level of inter-galactic battles this year. You'd never have though King Edward potatoes and onions would release such passion?
Alfred's arch rival is a chap called Charles Gull and Seagull, as he is known, has plenty of other enemies amongst the allotment fraternity. The stand-up rows on composting are legendary.
But things have gone one step further. We are currently at the crucial point in the fruit and vegetable calendar year: the annual village produce show. And what has happened? Seagull's entire vegetable patch has been dug over, upending every bean, marrow and potato he has spent the last year nurturing.
The culprits? The local constabulary themselves. Seagull's wife has been missing for some time. The general feeling is that she couldn't put up with his curmudgeonly, misanthropic ways any longer and has hightailed it to live with her sister in Brighton.
But some artful dodger used the opportunity to put it about that Seagull had pecked his wife to death and buried her under the vegetable plot. Alfred swears he had no part in spreading the rumour, but there's no doubt the resultant chaos has given him an unassailable lead in the marrow class.
Of course, Mrs Gull is not communing with the vegetables. But there were faces to match the rhubarb and language that would make a sailor blush.
I have a rather dense patch of nettles at the bottom of the field. Do you think the same trick would work for me?
Lots of love
Fiona
Photo from article on RHS produce show published in Time Out (date of access 1/8/2023)
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