A while back, when asked how my relationship with my body is, I said complicated.
Last year, I was feeling better than ever in my body.
However, since I was diagnosed with lupus in February this year, something broke. I kept telling myself that I'm ok, that my body is ok. After all I could do so much I couldn't do before. And yet ...
...this insisting I'm ok, challenging my body, bullying myself to be ok basically, only made my depression worst.
Now, I have decided I'm ok with not being ok in/ with my body. After all it is not ok with itself.
What does it mean to not be ok in my body. It is hard to explain, but I was looking at my hands the other day and they didn't feel like my hands. I could see they are mine, but ...can't feel it. It's like I am moving someone else's hand. I can do whatever with them, but they feel strange. Most actions feel strange.
And I can't trust my body except through continuous conscious effort of reminding myself of what it can do and that it can be trusted to do what I need it to do.
But what does my body need to do?
Since I came back from the hospital, I started meditating every night, and after the meditation was over I often felt the need to stretch. While stretching I would bend my back over my knees and take my arms upwards, often with the hands clasped together and I would play with teh hands above my back. It made me feel good.
So, I have decided to explore what I can do with my body and give each and every part of it the chance to say what it needs to.
And see where we can go from here...
...yes, I'm desociating myself from my body, but I've been doing that with the brain for years, saying my brain does this and that and treating it as something different than my self.
It's time my body got the same treatment and importance.
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