We have all been thrust into these, whether of our own doing or someone else's. And at the time, the prevailing thought is usually, "How do I get out of this gracefully?" I found myself in just this space yesterday, and I was the cause of it. Without being too critical or over-analyzing (which I have been doing since the event), I will just admit that I acted without thinking. But it is done, and the best thing for me to do now is to learn from it.
But we had many of these experiences when I was caring for Carlton, and those were due to the degenerative aspect of Parkinson's Disease. I realize this doesn't happen to everyone with a neurological disease, but for him, when he became anxious or angry, his tremors were much worse and uncontrollable, his voice became much louder, and he began to panic. It was as if he was out of control and couldn't calm down.
The most memorable experience was in a government office when he perceived that the government employee was not listening to him. This was about year 10 in his progression of the disease, so he could still communicate easily, and he was not cognitively impaired. When the lady didn't answer his question satisfactorily, he repeated it with increased volume. She gave him the same answer again, which frustrated him even more. After repeating the question and getting the same answer a 3rd time, he was very angry and frustrated, and he began to shake violently. His whole body shook!
I was glad I was there to help, but simultaneously I wished I could be anywhere else in the world at that time. It took calmness, diplomacy, redirecting, and patience to "talk him down off the ledge" and get him out of that office. Perhaps I forgot to mention that there were at least 10 people in the same room, watching and listening to the entire exchange. That added to my embarrassment, and it made it even more necessary that I get him out of there.
One saving grace was that he was in a wheelchair (due to the long walk from the parking lot), so I had some control over his location. But I still had to get him to agree to go peacefully. Here's what I did. I brought my face down on the level with his, turning his chair slightly to face me, and I said something like this, "We aren't getting anywhere with this conversation, are we? So, why don't we come back another day when we have all calmed down. This doesn't have to be resolved today. Okay?"
It was important that I did not judge him or the government employee, especially in public. And it was important that he realize that we didn't have to resolve the problem at that moment. I remember thinking, "We have to get out of here as graciously as possible!" Preserving my husband's dignity was always my goal, whenever possible. (Preserving my sanity was a close second!)
There were several other similar situations, especially as Carlton lost more control of his body and mind. And I never knew beforehand what I was going to say to him to diffuse the situation because I never knew exactly how things would play out. But I prayed often that God would give me wisdom and strength. I needed wisdom for the myriad of decisions each day. I needed the strength to act when it was appropriate and necessary. And God granted me those things every time I needed them.
I was as perfect as you are.
And I cared, just as you do.
These awkward situations may come, but they do not define us. They are part of being human, and for our loved ones they are part of dealing with a disease, whatever it might be.
Let's make a gracious exit, dust ourselves off, and learn from them what to do to prevent a "next time."
Have a great week! I'm praying for you.
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