I'm almost 40.
I had thought the same problems I had as a teenager were gone. That I wouldn't care if someone made fun of me.
How wrong I was.
How do you describe it when the person who hurts you knows you have problems?
I was fooled at one time to believe that the entire problem was me. However… it's not me at all.
I don't try to hurt people's feelings.
I don't belittle what they say. I've had it done so much to me over the years.
If someone's wrong, I don't jump down their throat.
One thing that I'm coming to realize… is that children on the playground who are cruel turn into angry and bitter adults.
I was always the one being picked on. It hurt so much for people who didn't know me to be so intentionally cruel. My family wasn't like that… at least not at first.
For years, my entire world was my grandparents with occasional visits from my mother.
Now though? I find myself off and on wishing that I'd never ventured outside of my tiny little circle. So much stress, so much frustration and so much drama.
I get away from that and end up encountering someone like them. Can you pair praise with insults? You can. Can someone be tactless and verbally assault people at a moment's notice? They can.
Did I ever think I would encounter a personality so close to my aunt's? No. I hoped that getting away from them was the safest thing for me. But here it is again. The same old mire that I'd thought I was free of.
It's all a play on my mind now.
My normal reaction is to up and run. Just to hide.
So many faces, so many people… All people gunning at one way or another to harm me.
And me… just thinking that I'm overly sensitive. And maybe I am, but I know when I'm being mistreated. I know when I'm made the butt of jokes.
My mother suffered from paranoia. She assumed people were talking about her. I'm not dealing with the same. It's a minute number of people, but I'm realizing still… at nearly 40 years of age that I'm still on a hair trigger with these people.
Instead of rage keeping me silent, now it's tact. It's so aggravating to deal with people like this… But I think that the best way to deal with this is to pull back. Not physically, but emotionally. I don't need to, nor do I want to deal with someone who is a bully.
I'm an adult, but more importantly, I'm a human being! I am just as deserving of love and respect as everyone else!
I'm… a very broken person.
So broken in ways that I can't give voice to. I find myself sobbing out of nowhere because it's too much some days. I've dealt with hatred for so many years. Hatred of myself, hatred of other people.
Hatred of everything around me.
I confessed to a friend today that my psychological problems reach far deeper than most people know. My mind is a very dark place. It's worse than my psychiatrist even knows… and I'm starting to think that I need to be honest with her and tell her.
Will she believe me?
Because…
Just when I see and feel like I can reach out to that tiny beam of light… something comes to snatch it all away.
This is insanity. It is madness. It's the same driving force behind my writing… but it's not exactly healthy, is it?
And how fortunate am I…
To have all this misery… all to myself.
~J. Lyst
To deal with this situation, I'm worried I'll start tapping into the ugly part of myself, what I've worked so hard to suppress… but I can't feel it bubbling to the surface…
Slowly… oh so slow.
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