Happy Mother's Day
I recently sat with 200 mums and grandmas listening to the school's Mother's Day Concert. As I enjoyed the songs, a kaleidoscope of memories flooded my mind of highs and lows in mothering. I wondered how many others around me found mothering a tough job. I took my thoughts home and wrote down my reflections on how to not just survive motherhood, but thrive, facing contemporary issues raised in the songs. This comes from a grandma who, many years ago, held feminist views but who now says, "Raising kids was the most fulfilling thing I've done in life."
Commendable Qualities: The program began with a choreographed version of Hail Mary, Gentle Woman. As any evangelical Christian should know, the Bible doesn't ascribe Mary the status of being sinless or acting as an intermediary, but it does praise her. Her submission to God and willingness to accept a great difficulty displayed a life of sacrifice with grace, peace, and gentleness. We can learn wisdom and love from her example. However, I seldom see these traits extolled in today's feminism. Most of us battle the lure for freedom, to 'not give one's life away because of kids' and fulfill the 'inner me'. Jesus' command, not just for motherhood, but to all who want to be in his family, is to deny ourselves, take up our cross daily, and follow him. The amazing consequence is the exact opposite of what we expect - we find ourselves (Matthew 16:24,25). We don't view Mary as a victim, but commend her for qualities that are a fruit of God's Spirit.
Enjoy: The next item came from the youngest class: I love you Mummy, a tooty ta ta. In unison, that cute class waved their hands, blew kisses, gave hugs, and shouted hooray to their mums. They spread such fun and shone out the reality that children are a blessing (Psalm 127:3). I remember my son and his wife after they started a family, "No one ever told us how much fun it is to have kids, and, yes, they are a lot of work." Children opened up a whole new world to them and they have blessed others.
Super Mum: The Year 2 students presented, My Mum is a Rainbow. They sang about a stack of attributes that no human being can master but are required in mothering. These all combine as the colours of the rainbow to make an amazing woman. My mum displayed those characteristics—some as weaknesses and some as strengths. But, as a child, I expected her to be perfect while I excused all my faults. I often criticized her and felt embarrassed that she, as an immigrant from Holland, didn't know the language or fit into the culture. But she put our needs ahead of hers and along with my dad cared for us, providing our food, clothing, housing, education, fun, the lot. As an adult, some things I do differently, but I honour them for an excellent job. A pivotal point came in our relationship when I stopped focusing on their imperfections, faced my own self-absorption, and asked them for forgiveness. My parents said it was nothing, I was just normal, but for me it made the world of difference. Mum was an amazing woman, but not perfect, and neither am I. But for the grace of God, we would be much worse.
When you've had enough: Year three introduced their song by saying that mums were exhausted and going on strike. From a mother's point of view, they sang We're not going to take it anymore. "We've got the right to choose. This is our life, this is our song. We'll fight the power that be, just don't pick our destiny, 'cause you don't know us, you don't belong, we don't want nothin', not a thing from you, your life is trite and jaded, boring and confiscated, if that's your best, your best won't do, we're right, we're free, we'll fight, you'll see. We're not going to take it anymore." We all laughed, sharing the feeling of being totally fed up with naughty behaviour. I remembered when my mum got frustrated with us four kids: while packing up to go on holiday we argued and fought so much, she said, "If you kids don't stop, we're not going." We took some notice, but not much, finished packing and set off in the car. True to our nature, we kept bickering. About 30 minutes later on the highway, Mum looked at Dad, "I'm not going anymore. I warned them." To our amazement, my father changed direction. We drove home in silence and spent the next week pottering around the house. She would not tolerate our bickering anymore. But in contrast to a popular trend these days, she didn't opt out of her marriage vows or parenting responsibilities. She stuck with her word and held us accountable. She never said, "I'm out of family life. I'm not going to take it anymore."
Distinguish between willing disobedience and childhood immaturity: We moved into hilarity with the year four presentation, The Mother's Day Song. The youngsters sang from the aspect of a child who does things all wrong, mentioning cutting their hair, washing clothes in the dishwasher, cleaning Mum's iPod in the shower, watering house plants with the hose, buying 2 dozen pizzas with Mum's credit card, etc. We laughed at the kids' antics, some done in innocence, and others wilfully bad. Either way, reality says that parents have to forgive their children a lot. But the chorus bothered me:
Remember no one's perfect, every kid has faults
Remember it's the thought that counts more than the results
My heart was in the right place even though I did it wrong
It was all to say, on Mother's Day, my love for you is strong!
As the kids repeated that chorus several times, I wondered how many of us believed the narrative that when we knowingly do wrong, still our heart is in the right place and our love is strong? In my childhood, sometimes I acted in innocence, but on most occasions, my naughtiness was pure selfishness. I understood what was right to do, but just didn't want to do it, illustrating the Bible's teaching that the human heart is desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). Later, I found that my beautiful children also had an ugly side, a 'me first' attitude, that I had to consistently pull into line, while at the same time checking my own motivations.
A mother to emulate: The year fives sang, A Mother Like You, which pictures a kind mum who understands, wipes away tears, kisses the hurt, and keeps cheering her kids. The refrain said,
I know that it hasn't been easy
I hope that I love like you do
'Cause I know that this world would be better
If everyone had a mother like you.
Oh, to be such a mother, but I often fail and don't live up to my own expectations, let alone others'. I do try to improve myself and get assistance from others, but I've found so much practical help in the Bible. That best-selling book has led me into a relationship with God, through Jesus Christ, and empowers me by his Spirit to set priorities which lead to lasting benefits. As it is written: "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30). This comes with an added byproduct: Whoever fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge (Proverbs 14:26).
Your best friend: The last song, Mom, spoke of the enduring love of a mother who is also the best friend. My mother died 40 years ago, but if she were alive now, I think we would be good friends, but not best friends. While growing up, I consistently knew she loved my dad and made him her best friend. She didn't try to be my best friend but maintained her role as nurturer and mentor. Many times, I resisted, and she persisted. She taught me to respect her, and I could always confide in her. When I married, I followed her example and chose to be closest to my husband and become a strong team. As I see a lot of other families, I think a loving marriage is among the top things we can give to our kids.
Nurtured to nurture: When the program finished, we clapped the school and kids, grateful for each one's part in a great job. And, at the end of life, when all is said and done, we would like God's commendation, "Well done". As we nurture kids, may we be nurtured by God's Spirit and stand as Christians. Together we can benefit from, and display, his goodness to the world.
- Dorcas Denness
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