I honestly have no clue what's wrong with me.
One moment, I'm certain of something and then a few hours later, I'm confused and frightened.
I've already told my friends, but no clue if I did here.
I'm determined to be happy.
No matter how painful the day is.
No matter how cruel the people are.
No matter how frightening my declining health is.
No matter the state of my finances.
I still wake up in the morning. In pain, but still alive. Have to admit… I prefer the sounds of birds and crickets over hearing cars speeding and people loudly arguing outside.
Still, it's all good, I suppose.
I have an appointment with a neurologist in a few months for a consultation. To rule out MS. Part of me, the part that can't handle bad news… that side doesn't want to hear what he might have to say.
It's the same for the pathologist I'm supposed to see about the mass in my gums. To rule out cancer. It's troubling that the first diagnostic mentioned was one to rule out cancer. I'm hoping that it's just a very unwanted bony growth.
I'm very much like my father in that respect. If you don't receive bad news, then nothing is wrong… right?
I am so glad my mother isn't around to see this stuff happening to me. If she had survived the horrors of 2020-2023… news like this would have certainly killed her.
To see me suddenly losing strength in my limbs, losing my balance, losing strength in my pelvic floor… being too tired at times to even keep my head up… and then having a stroke before hitting 40.
Which exacerbated everything.
All of it.
But… I do have something positive that can be pull out of this madness. I have my friends, closer than even my family. They're fantastic at offering emotional support and even physical in the form of hugs.
I used to state that I was "a delicate flower," but that's been proven to be very true now. Some of my friends hug me so gently… as if they're afraid I'll break if they hug me too hard. While I appreciate their love and thoughtfulness, I feel bad that they should have to make such adjustments for me.
But… love motivates us to change things up to help those we care about.
One of my friends wants to do a minor renovation on my house… and she said the bill would be covered.
I'm super uncertain about it. I feel upset sometimes that so many are doing so much to help me… and then I think about how I've reached out my comfort zone to help others.
… and I feel warm about it.
It genuinely feels good to help people, even in the limited way I can.
Hmm. I'm probably going to be smiling and a crying a little bit for the rest of the night.
Have a fantastic night!
~J. Lyst
I have no clue what direction to take my writing. I'm worried I've got writer's block. Or maybe I just need to keep pushing to pump up my mood.
Writing for any of my fictions involves me acting as if I have no sense for a few days. And because of the worsening condition of my hands… Well…
Will see what the future holds, eh?
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