Many of you have been wondering how Uncle Aaron is faring with his little nephew, Ryker. Well, since a picture is worth a thousand words, let me share our family Christmas picture that our sweet neighbor was kind enough to take for us in the middle of some cold temperatures.
You can clearly see the struggle on Aaron's face. And also the love that his sister, Andrea, has for him as she helped him tolerate standing there long enough for some pictures by holding his hand.
It wasn't just the cold that was bothering Aaron. Not even the promise of eating dinner out right after this was enough to make Aaron smile.
Reality was setting in for Aaron. Andrea worded it perfectly last night as we talked after Aaron had left the room.
"Ryker has infiltrated Aaron's life," she wisely said.
I can illustrate Aaron's way of viewing his life by what happened as he and I were getting his blankets on his bed a couple nights ago. He got two new blankets for Christmas. Since it's been so cold, he wants to put both new blankets on his bed along with the three he already uses…for a grand total of five blankets!
I have written before about the order of his covers. Nothing has changed. He has decided that on top of his already well-ordered blankets, he wants the Christmas blanket first and the grey blanket on top. I made the dastardly mistake of reversing that order. I went ahead with things, wondering if Aaron would mind. He did.
"Mom, I want the Christmas blanket first!" he said.
"It doesn't really matter, Aaron," I naively answered.
"But I want them the way I like them!" he declared.
He was already removing the offending grey blanket as he spoke. Knowing better than to fight his need for this certain order, I complied while keeping silent.
Pick your battles, right?
Aaron's initial reaction to Ryker was precious. He gave Ryker his special bear, as I wrote about earlier.
Within three days, Aaron had taken back the bear.
Up and down.
After friends graciously took him out to dinner on our Christmas Eve, and then he survived our Christmas day, he was much improved. After some encouragement from me, he gave the bear back to Ryker.
But the realities of autism rule Aaron's mind and his relationships.
Again, look at another picture. This is Aaron's place at our dinner table one recent night. He set the table, and his setting is exactly as he wants…and needs…it to be. Fighting it is useless and unproductive.
Watching Aaron in every area of his life is exactly as described years ago by M.P. Everard: "…one is instantly aware of how different they are and the enormous effort they have to make to live in a world where no concessions are made and where they are expected to conform."
The reality of a baby in our lives, even his precious nephew, is not precious to Aaron. He sees the laughter and the joy that Ryker brings. Aaron is not the center of attention. His egocentric tendencies rebel against this fact.
Conforming to our desire for Aaron to love and accept Ryker is a huge mountain for Aaron to climb.
When Ryker is with us during a meal, Aaron literally spends the entire time talking about things like the core of the earth, whatever video he is watching, aliens, etc., etc.
Andrea is so good to try to focus on Aaron, but we all know that Aaron also needs to understand and to share that focus with Ryker.
Ryker, the offending nephew.
The infiltration of the nephew is not acceptable to Aaron.
"I want life the way I like it!!" Aaron is inwardly…and sometimes outwardly…saying.
I wish he was only referring to blankets and silverware. But Aaron is also wanting his immediate family to focus on him when we are all together. Ryker is not cooperating with that demand from Aaron just by nature of being a baby.
Today I spent lots of much needed time with Aaron. We went to Wal-Mart, picked up Taco Bell for lunch, watched two episodes of All Creatures Great and Small, and played Yahtzee.
While shopping, Aaron picked out a cute little yellow stuffed bee that he wants to give Ryker. I talked to him about how the best thing he can give Ryker is his love and kindness. I believe, from Aaron's responses, that he really does want to do that, but his desires are overtaken by how his brain is wired. He reacts spontaneously to his environment, no matter who he offends.
So, we keep plugging away as we try to understand with patience the huge task in front of Aaron. And trust me, sometimes our patience wears very thin.
Our prayer is that Aaron will learn to love sharing his love with Ryker as much as he loves sharing stuffed animals.
Through the ups and downs of this new journey, I do not want to forget all the goodness of God that He has shown us. The answers to our prayers have been amazing.
May I not lose sight of the fact that even when I feel like Aaron's heart is out of our reach, his heart is never out of God's reach.
Thank you to each of you who are caring and are praying.
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