Making the best choice

Sabina Stan

Jan 1

I wanted to name this post "making the unpopular choice" because I chose to spend new years alone.

However, things turned out a bit differently.

I had several options, among which spending the new years with "the dance family" (I cringe at anything "family" related, especially this year) like last year, or with my parents, since those were actually the best new year's celebrations since the first year of university, when I went dancing all night, and really had a great time dancing at 5 am almost alone on the dance floor.

I almost picked going at my parents' for a rumi night with music and mulled wine and just the comfort of the usual, as imperfect as it is, as unsafe as they made me feel this year, it is the unsafe I know.

However, as soon as the idea that I have to be brave to spend new year's alone crept into my mind, I knew I would go for it. I am looking for spending time with myself more and just be me, as I need to be. So I planed to go to Izvor park to see the fire works at mid night and that's it.

So far, so good. I did that. It wasn't what I thought it would be because there weren't many people around shooting fireworks and from further it was mostly just loud sound, like ...I wanted to say in the mids of a bombardment, bur with the wars going on and which have taken over my attention, I imagine, the fireworks are actually nothing by comparison.

So anyway, a lot of noise for not much. The only danger walking alone at midnight were the banger kids with their retarded* banger parents (or not, as a group of about 8 kids no older that 12, were not attended by any adult in sight) throwing bangers on the sidewalk.

However, I received an email that day, from a pub close to me, which I have supported in their fundraising campaign this winter, and though it crossed my mind they are an option to check out on new year's before receiving the email, I forgot.

So, I stopped by to drink a mulled wine, and ended up dancing until 3 am.

At first, I didn't mean to dance, just sit in a corner, drink and think. Look around. Enjoy the diverse crowd. Just like I am now sitting in a bar with a mulled wine writing this. I do it while I am on vacation, going to a pub and paint or write. I almost never do it in Bucharest. Maybe I will change this. It felt really good to be there. Among people, and yet in the comfort of my loneliness. Because, yes, alone is my happy place.

However, I got up for a bit for a drag show, and didn't sit back down. I wasn't quite dressed for dancing, as I wore a very long sweater, but the beauty is nobody cared who you were, how you looked, anything. Feeling good was ALL that mattered. I loved every moment and I am so happy I started the new year dancing the way I feel like it.

I went home for a short after party with a glass of wine and some food, in which my thoughts settled, and I went to bed.

Woke up feeling a bit sick, but however my body brushed it off quite easily. I suspect being good with yourself gives one strength even if they were not dressed warm enough for the weather or simply do not feel the cold when they are heated up, and I would wake up feeling sick after nights like this. I was resigned about spending the day in bed, but it wasn't the case.

I am still working on a project that may or may not turn out as I want it. I have a compromise result, but perseverance is one of my core values, so as long as I have options for what I really want, I try.

And that is it, I fell like the best state of mind to start the year with.

I also had a terribly embarrassing moment today, and a bit scary, as my mind was so fixated on what I planned to do that I lost any sense of time and I completely lost view of the fact that I went out two hours earlier then when I was supposed to meet a friend. I do enjoy being in a pub and writing this. I wanted this experience, but I was also expecting my friend to come earlier because I had no sense of the time being what it was. Crazy. Anyway, I am more fascinated by moments like this than pissed off or ashamed. It also helps having friends who accept and even understand to some extent those brain quirks and differences.

The more I am true to myself, the more moments like this will happen. All I wish for is the right people around and for me to be able to be there for myself as I deserve to be.

And this is another good state of mind to beging the new year with.

*need to stop using this word as it was coinded to refer to people who think and communicate differently than us and therefore do not adhere to our assesment of intelligence