Letters

misslyst

Jan 20

Sometimes at night, I wonder… Actually, it's fairly often.

Can I be likeable, just for being me? I've lived for a long time where those who are rotten always seem to get ahead. They have a lot more friends… at times, way more money.

Then, I sat back and wondered why I was questioning such things.

I've told my family before—that there are so many other things that money cannot buy.

Years ago, it was suggested to me that I take out a student loan to go to college. I told them that it was a terrible idea. I was told that if I wanted to do something better, I needed a good education.

I asked "How on earth am I going to pay off the loan?"

Their response: "You'll get a job easily."

That—of course—convinced me to ignore them. So many people getting degrees… and then working in positions that don't match at all.

I learned that the bit of college I took is no longer valid… apparently. Since it was so long ago, I probably shouldn't tell people that I went to college. I never finished my degree because math and I do not get along.

I figured, initially, to go into what I was doing.

And now? I have problems even sitting upright in a chair or walking in a straight line.

What if I had taken out that college loan? What would have happened to me then?

I doubt anyone would have felt pity for me.

I'm pretty sure I would have been told it was all my fault and all my own decision.

That's the funny thing about CHOICES… Sometimes we live to regret them.

So as I sit here in a very uncomfortable chair, wishing that I could sit somewhere and not hurt, I look back a bit.

Do I regret my past and what I've done before all this?

Yeah, but I'm not going to let myself continue to focus on mistakes that I've made or those that other people have.

To be frank, it's rough though… My own history is a lot to unpack for myself.

I think the benefits I've received by keeping my blog updated have been immeasurable.

I want to keep going. I want to keep learning and growing as a person.