It's Not Your Fault
To tap into the power of the dark side was to indulge in raw emotions such as passion, anger, and hatred. The dark side was greed, the fear of change, and the inability to let go. By holding on to things, one became angry and hateful, which in turn led to suffering.
After you worked and understood that even you have a dark side it would lead to good mental health and a fulfilling life
Keeping the shadow side at bay is exhausting and comes at a cost.
Denying the dark side of who you are is hard work. It takes a lot of mental and emotional effort to be constantly repressing the "negative" or "flawed" parts of who you are. In fact, ironically, pushing down these parts of yourself can lead to mental health issues like depression, anxiety, addiction, eating disorders and relationship issues. It can also leave you feeling empty, alone and like you're wearing a mask. Like there is on version of you that you present to the world and another version of you that exists behind closed doors.
Acknowledging your dark side can help you to grow and develop.
By loosening your grip on your dark side, you have the chance to feel more whole and real. Your shadow gives you substance as a human. Without any acknowledgement of our dark side, we can sometimes end up feeling one-dimensional or boring. Your dark side can help you to lead a more authentic, connected and fulfilling life. Some people would even say that life can shift from black and white to colour, as you get to know the shadow side of who you are.
Your dark side also presents you with opportunities to face aspects of who you are that are flawed or underdeveloped. Of course, the aim is not to find a way to become a flawless human being, but there may be parts of who you are that you'd like to change or work on. For example, if you're someone who has a short fuse, you're unlikely to be able to change this if you aren't first able to acknowledge that you have an aggressive side to you.
If you're curious about exploring your dark side, here are a few ideas to get you started.
- Think about times when you've been really annoyed by others. What personality trait or characteristic of theirs was grating on you? This could be a clue to a part of yourself that you either feel a lot of self-hatred for, very ashamed of or scared that you will become. For example, if your pet hate is people who are stingy, this might be something that you're deeply afraid of becoming yourself, or perhaps in some ways, already are.
- What are some of your strengths? For example, being determined, caring for others, being creative, public speaking or attention to detail. Now think about what happens when you overuse those strengths, when you take them to an extreme – this might shed light on your dark side. For example, if being organised is a strength of yours, at its most extreme you might notice yourself being controlling and critical of the people around you, or having trouble delegating. Or if being relaxed is a strength of yours, at its extreme this might mean that you don't have enough motivation to get important tasks done.
- Here are a few reflection questions that might help you to uncover more about your dark side: 1. Have you ever gone to extreme lengths to cover up something that you did or said, or even "pretended" to yourself that you didn't do it? 2. Have you ever convinced yourself that a trait you don't like in yourself has suddenly disappeared or no longer matters? 3. Have you ever found yourself getting really upset or angry with a fictional character in a movie, book or TV series 4. Have you ever felt intensely defensive when someone has called you out on something you said or did, but a small part of you feels like the person has a point? 5. Are there certain qualities that people sometimes point out about you that really upset you, but that you kind of know are true? 6. Do ever force yourself to feel only one way about something, but underneath know that you actually feel two very opposing ways? For example, a friend lets you down and you tell yourself you are completely fine about it. You don't allow yourself to feel the hurt, disappointment or anger that's also there. You "split off" this "darker" part of how you feel so that you seem like a "nice" person.It's important to take your time in getting to know your dark side. It can be incredibly confronting facing up to the parts of ourselves that we have split off or pushed down for most of our lives, so self-compassion is an essential ingredient. A big reason why we feel scared or ashamed when we look at these parts of who we are relates to the messages we received growing up, and in society more generally, about the "negative" parts of ourselves. These parts were often not welcomed and sometimes even attacked or shamed. So be gentle with yourself as you try to explore your shadow side. It's a lifelong process.
Health wise negatives of bottling up emotions:
The effort increases sympathetic nervous system activity which can have unhealthy consequences. Research shows that bottling up emotions can make people more aggressive. Studies also show that effortful suppression of negative emotion has immediate and delayed consequences for stress-induced cardiovascular reactivity.
Why do we suppress emotions?
There are many reasons why people suppress emotions. It can be to avoid a potent or explosive feeling that is deemed socially unacceptable, or to replace an uncomfortable feeling with a more acceptable one. We are influenced by expectations from other people in our lives. Anxiety and depression commonly develop because of narcissistic abuse. Trauma victims often find past experiences too difficult to process or are told they are wrong to do so.
Emotional suppression or inhibition is a necessity for most people, some of the time; it enables us to cope. People are expected, for example, not to spend the day crying from sadness at work. Modern society demands that we suppress emotions. We must put a lid on feelings so we can perform, whether that be at work or to survive in a dysfunctional family. In public spaces we are expected to act respectfully. Shouting with anger is frowned upon and most people don't have the tools or confidence to express anger in a different way.
So, we suppress emotions to cope, to conform, because we are told to, to survive, because we are shamed, or because a trauma is just too painful to process.
What happens to suppressed emotions?
It is well known that suppressing emotions has a physiological impact on the body. Much of the time this is short-term and causes no lasting problems. But longer term, the continual suppression of emotions can have detrimental physical and psychological effects.
If you've ever had a deep tissue massage, you'll know how stress can manifest itself in the tightening of muscles. Suppressed emotions stay in the body. The effects of suppressed emotions include anxiety, depression, and other stress-related illnesses. Such suppression can lead to alcohol and substance abuse. (Read more about the link between childhood trauma and addiction here.)
Individuals often suppress what they perceive to be 'negative' emotions as a way of avoiding distress. But continual emotional suppression requires effort and eventually this 'effort' can take its toll. The effort increases sympathetic nervous system activity which can have unhealthy consequences.
Research shows that bottling up emotions can make people more aggressive. Studies also show that effortful suppression of negative emotion has immediate and delayed consequences for stress-induced cardiovascular reactivity.
Why are people narcissistic?
Professor Vaknin describes the narcissist as having an "assemblage of personalities in one body."2 It is impossible to figure out a narcissist because behaviours flit between two spaces. Although the narcissist can appear to be unpredictable, unfathomable and complex, in reality, Vaknin says, they are actually "a very simple, binary machine" with "the behaviour of a two-year-old."
This, he explains, stems from parenting that hasn't allowed the child to separate appropriately from the mother. The child has been unable to take on reality and 'individualate'. Narcissists develop as such because they have had an emotionally painful, neglectful, or even abusive, childhood.
Narcissists' relationships are often based on surface attributes, such as beauty, power and wealth. The narcissist wants to surround himself (or herself) with people who align with a grandiose image, so they are often attracted to strong-willed people. At first, the narcissist will idealize their partner, putting them on a pedestal – this is the space of shared fantasy. They are attracted to people who reflect well on themselves, as they like to show off. At the outset, a narcissist will come across as being likeable and charming.
As the relationship develops (when the honeymoon period is over), the narcissist becomes disillusioned, dysregulated, and aggressive. When the behaviour of the narcissist flips, he (or she) will seek to destroy the talents and attributes they at first admired. At this stage, the narcissist is in, what Vaknin describes as, 'the pathological narcissistic space'. This is when the narcissist will show their true colours. They may become verbally abusive, manipulate, use emotional blackmail, and gaslight. They may withhold money, sex or communication; anything to make their victim feel emotionally unstable.
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