We'll just take the vaganza, thanks

Sunny Side Up

Sep 3

It was my good friend, Nymphadora Wellposh's birthday and I thought she deserved a treat.

As it happened, an ad popped up on Facebook for a horse show. Now I happen to know that Wellposh is very fond of horses. Of course she is, she's posh. Posh popper and horses got together like cheese and pickle. Anyway, these tickets were quite expensive so I ummed and aah'd a bit about it and actually commented on the Facebook page that I'd have to sell a kidney to afford these tickets.

Once I'd made the decision to buy them, as a joke I added to the post, "I got a really good price for my kidney. Woohoo, horse show here we come." I was amazed to get a reply saying, "Since you had to sell a kidney to get here the least we can do is give you good seats." They were true to their word. Front row seats!!!

The big day was yesterday. I picked Wellposh up at the appointed time and off we went to Exeter to the Iberian Horse Show. Although the actual show didn't start until 7pm it said that the concourse was open from 1pm with 50 stalls of goodies to buy, food and drink outlets and entertainment as well as the chance to see some of the horses.

We got there about 4pm. The fifty stalls, at a generous guess, numbered about six. Plus the food and drink outlets, Spanish food plus the usual burger bars and boozy bars. That was ok, we bimbled about, taking it all in. We strolled down to where the horses were and Wellposh went all gooey eyed and sat there reminiscing about her days as a horsewoman. That took up a good hour.

Next we went to watch the entertainment. A group of flamenco dancers, who I think it's fair to say were far from authentic, more Bristol than Barcelona, were giving it beans. Turns out was a dance school from Exeter. For a couple of them I think it might have been their first lesson but it was fun and entertaining with great music and lots of hand clapping, stamping and skirt swishing. We sat and watched them while we tucked into an equally non authentic chicken wrap followed by ice cream. At one point the dancers asked for volunteers to learn a dance so Wellposh almost pushed me onto the stage to join in. Why oh why do I always dress like an explosion in a paint factory? All the other people who were game for a very public laugh blended in with each other while I stood out like a sore thumb. My bemused expression, fumbling footwork and clumsy clicking were all captured on video by Wellposh who laughed till the tears ran down her legs.

Eventually it was time to go into the arena.

The horses were magnificent. We didn't know that there was going to be dressage competitions before the show but that didn't matter. Wellposh was in her element. Except for the one rider she seemed to take a dislike to. "Look at that arrogant tosser," she said as this arrogant looking tosser strode across the arena barking instructions to the people setting everything out." I commented that the whole jodhpurs, boots and jacket attire does kind of give an air of arrogance, maybe he was a nice person. "Hhhhmppph, we'll see." she replied. And we did see, when it was his turn to compete he put a whole new level onto the word showboating. What an arrogant tosser. He could do to learn that less is more.

In between competitors, they had to make sure the sand was all flattened down to keep it safe for the horses. Every hour or so they would come out with a roller and water sprays to flatten it all back down. The tractor driver was hysterical. How it's possible to drive a tractor and entertain so many people at the same time is beyond me but he did. The audience loved him as he went round waving and enticing people to applaud him. So funny.

Eventually, the competitions ended and the show began. It began exactly 45 minutes before it was due to end but no one was worried, we were having a great time. The horsemanship was amazing. Wellposh was enthralled. Secretly I was a bit bored as to my untrained eye all the horses, clever as they undoubtedly were seemed to be doing the same thing. You know, once you've seen it, you've seen it. I felt a bit like Simon Cowell on Britain's Got Talent when he says things like, 'Yes it was dangerous and took a lot of skill but I was bored.' An unpopular opinion, so I kept it to myself as I thought, "My dog can do that - and that - and that."

As the show went on though it seemed I wasn't alone in my estimation. People started to drift away. But this was the EXTRAVAGANZA we came for. At that point I was certain I wasn't bothered about any extra vaganza. I'd just settle for the vaganza.

The show went on, and on, and on. There were long pauses between one display and the next. At one point a man came out and did some magic while there was a woman on a horse there. (?!) A woman came out and danced a flamenco to a horse while a man sat on said horse. A whole plethora (sorry of that's the wrong collective noun) of flamenco dancers came out and stood around watching them. It was quite late in the evening by this point. They were obviously tired and didn't even try to look remotely Spanish or flamenco-ish. They just stood there, some of them looked like they were ready for bed, as I was truth be known but that's a whole different story.

A couple of horses danced a tango which was excellent to watch and then the main man came on (name escapes me). . WOOOOHHOOOO This is the EXTRAvaganza!!!

He had two beautiful white horses which were amazing. Bridleless and riderless these two horses moved in harmony to his instructions and it was mesmerising to watch. He ended his act and just walked off. "Is the the end of the show?" We and a few other members of the audience decided it was as two horse rearing up on voice commands was quite impressive. What could better that? We just thought he could have gone off with more of a flourish. Less is not always more. He and Arrogant Tosser should speak to each other and find some middle ground.

The announcer announced, as they do, "THERE IS STILL MORE TO COME!!!" and the audience all groaned in unison. By this time it was 11.15pm. Wellposh, myself and a good number of the audience decided enough was enough. At this rate it was going to be past midnight when the show finished. That realisation and the thought of a forty minute drive home made our minds up for us. I've been to shorter Ken Dodd shows that this! The EXTRAVAGANZA finale just wasn't tempting enough to keep us there. The vaganza would just have to do.

Here are some photos of the vaganza, lots of horses and a couple of silly moos. I hope you enjoy them.