Within moments after Mike died, the attack started. Mourning—yes. Sorrow—yes. But in tandem, guilt arrived and self-condemnation shouted. All the should-haves and the why-didn't-you, accusations covered my mind with a shroud. Little did I know then that these demonic destroyers planned to move in for good.
[This may not be your story. I can only tell you mine. Still, the understanding Holy Spirit gave me can apply to other scenarios. So, please dialogue with Him as you read through this.]
In my previous blog, I was not in the most loving mood when Mike woke up that last morning. Later that day, as I sat in the living room trying to process, guilt started whispering to me.
"Mike felt upset for waking you up. He felt responsible for your mood. That was a weight added to his weak heart. If you'd been more loving, your husband would still be alive. It's your fault he died."
"Ridiculous," you say. But my weary broken heart opened the door wide and let that lie set up housekeeping. Soon, other accusations and questions joined in.
"Why were you not more caring?
"Why were you angry about his constant need for your help? He needed you. Why couldn't you see that?"
"Why didn't you set aside what you were doing and sit and watch television with him? He wanted company."
"Why did you press him to sign up for transportation service to shuttle him to and from dialysis? It took him longer to get there and get home when he was already exhausted from treatment?"
[ Dialysis is sixteen miles from our home, and the shuttle had to make other stops coming and going. – If I took him, I had to find something to do for four hours or more in our small town. But the trip there and back for him was quicker.]
"You were only thinking of yourself."
I soon realized that it was the enemy doing all the talking. He beat me to tears day after day. I'd confess my sins to Jesus and ask for forgiveness. But I could not receive what He's already given to us.
Here is a quote John Paul Jackson wrote in his book, The Art of Praying Scriptures, (page 63). "Few things are as heavy as an old memory of an old sin we have not been able to forget or forgive."
On Wednesday, July 23, 2024, Holy Spirit led me to a scripture I've read many times. This time, it changed my perspective. Hebrews 12:1-2
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
The words 'despising' and 'shame' lit up in my spirit. I knew guilt was attacking me, but I never thought to call it shame.
When I went to my concordance, I found two kinds of shame we can often experience. The first is the shame when we hurt someone with our words or actions. As believers, we can feel ashamed of hurting God by our words or behavior.
Guilt, sorrow, or embarrassment overwhelm us. We hide under a blanket of shame. Instead of going to them and saying, I am sorry, we often withdraw, embarrassed to see them again.
Adam and Eve felt this shame in the garden for doing what God told them not to do. They tried hiding themselves from Him.
The other kind of shame is when someone abuses, assaults, or humiliates us. We hide, not wanting anyone to see us again. We see ourselves as weak. We allowed them to hurt us. And we do not want them to hurt us again.
But Hebrews 12 states that Jesus took both kinds of shame to the cross. He carried our sin toward others. And He carried our shame because of their sin toward us. And He didn't do that alone for you and me but for the entire population of our planet from the beginning to the end of time.
Hebrews 12:2b says, "Who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
When they hung Jesus on the cross, He was naked and beaten. They put a sign at the top of the cross declaring, 'King of the Jews.' "Here is your hero, you pathetic Jews. If you thought He was going to overthrow Rome for you, you were crazy." Rome and the enemy were gloating on their supposed victory.
But Hebrews 12 says Jesus had joy and was 'despising the shame.' Jesus was embracing the cross. He wasn't focusing on the greatest pain and agony any human ever experienced. Jesus was not embarrassed hanging naked and beaten before those gathered.
The only thing on His mind was you and me. He was joyful because He knew He completed God's will. Jesus knew His death and resurrection, set us free, and reconciled with Abba to live with Him forever.
[I am pausing here because I still have another 1,000 words to share. I will put them in Part 3. I will release it later today.]
So, re-read this. Selah— consider where you are in your journey and how this post relates to you. Ask Holy Spirit to help you. It may not be shame holding you back. Holy Spirit is our Counselor and the One who reminds us what Jesus told us. Take time with Him. He won't disappoint you.
Shalom – until later ♥
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