As performed by Timothy the Talking Cat on the kitchen table with multiple wigs and hats.
Scene 1
Thunder and Lightning. Enter three Witches.
FIRST WITCH
When shall we three meet again?
In thunder, lightning, or on Zoom?
SECOND WITCH
When all the stats are done,
When the Hugos meet their doom.
THIRD WITCH
That will be ere the ides of Feb.
FIRST WITCH
Where the place?
SECOND WITCH Upon the Facebook.
THIRD WITCH
There to meet with MacCarty.
FIRST WITCH I come, Gaimankin!
SECOND WITCH Pratchett calls!
THIRD WITCH Anon.
ALL
Fair is foul, and foul is fair;
Hoover through the fog and filthy stairs.
THIRD WITCH
A drum, a drum!
MacCarty doth come.
ALL, dancing in a circle
The Weïrd Sisters, hand in hand,
Posters of the sea and land,
Thus do go about, about,
Thrice to thine and thrice to mine
Enter MacCarty and Yalow
MACCARTY
So foul and fair a day I have not seen.
YALOW
How far is it called to Glasgow?—What are these,
So withered, and so wild in their attire,
That look not like th' inhabitants o' th' Earth
And yet are on it?—Live you? Or are you aught
That man may question? You seem to understand me
By each at once her choppy finger laying
Upon her skinny lips. You should not be fans,
And yet your propellor beanies forbid me to interpret
That you are so.
MACCARTY Speak if you can. What are you?
FIRST WITCH
All hail, MacCarty! Hail to thee, Admin of Awards!
SECOND WITCH
All hail, MacCarty! Hail to thee, Chair of Hugos!
THIRD WITCH
All hail, Macbeth, that shalt be Pope of Hugos hereafter!
YALOW
Good sir, why do you start and seem to fear
Things that do sound so fair?—It is but the name of truth,
Are you fantastical, or that indeed
Which outwardly you show? My noble partner
You greet with present grace and great prediction
Of noble having and of royal hope,
That he seems rapt withal. To me you speak not.
If you can look into the seeds of time
And say which grain will grow and which will not,
Speak, then, to me, who neither beg nor fear
Your favors nor your hate.
MACCARTY What? I didn't follow a word of that.
FIRST WITCH Hail!
SECOND WITCH Hail!
THIRD WITCH Hail!
FIRST WITCH
Lesser than MacCarty and greater.
SECOND WITCH
Not so happy, yet much happier.
THIRD WITCH
Thou shalt be Pope, though thou be none.
So all hail, MacCarty and Yalow!
FIRST WITCH
Yalow and Macbeth, all hail!
MACBETH
Stay, you imperfect speakers. Tell me more.
By my term I know I am Admin of Hugo.
But how of Chair of Worldcon? The Robinette of Kowal lives
A prosperous writer, and to be Pope
Stands not within the prospect of belief,
No more than to be Worldcon Chair. Say from whence
You owe this strange intelligence or why
Upon this blasted heath you stop our way
With such prophetic greeting. Speak, I charge you.
The Witches vanish
YALOW
The earth hath bubbles, as the water has,
And these are of them. Whither are they vanished?
MACBETH
Into the air, and what seemed corporal melted,
As breath into the wind. Would they had stayed!
BANQUO
Were such things here as we do speak about?
Or have we eaten on the insane root
That takes the reason prisoner?
MACBETH
Your children shall be SMOFs!
BANQUO You shall be Pope!
The Witches Reappear
FIRST WITCH
A minor matter upon which we must attend
This Scotland it does seem
SECOND WITCH
Which means we are at least two years late
And our prophesy has gone amiss
THIRD WITCH
Your goose is already cooked and these events
Have passed before.
FIRST WITCH
err, so sorry about that
MACARTY So I don't get to be Pope of the Hugos?
FIRST WITCH No, sorry. We were just trolling you.
SECOND WITCH For shits and giggles like
THIRD WITCH And TikTok views
MACARTY But I fucked up the Hugos already!
FIRST WITCH Well that's not on us now is it. You made that mess all on your lonesome.
YALOW'S GHOST: Woooooooo
Flourish. All exit.
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