I'm not tired.
That sucks.
But I think I had a weird semi-nap today. I also unfortunately had my dinner late, so I have to sit up to try and mitigate my chances of having terrific heartburn.
And by terrific, I mean absolutely terrible.
I did most of my chores today, but my left knee started rebelling again. When it does that, feels like it's trying to disengage from the socket its supposed to be in.
Stupid thing.
So… I reviewed Chapter one of C&R III… and realized I already have some edits in the new document that aren't in the draft. So I need to check to see if I have a newer draft that I can run over.
At the current pace of my mind and energy reserves, I guestimate that this chapter will be up and ready with Chapter 24(??) of NtC by the middle of this month.
I had a heart to heart with my aunt and explained to her just how much my personality had changed. She kind of scoffed at first… and then I think she went from being weirded out to being very concerned and incredulous.
I told her before that my brain was broken.
I think now she's going to listen closely to the comments I make on certain things.
When you know that someone close to you could easily do things like I've imagined and can describe in detail… well…
Eh.
I told her that without the influences I had growing up and now as an adult… I would be in prison or dead.
Probably both.
She told me that some of the behaviors and things I've done when I had less self-control in the past are how serial killers start out.
I told her that I'm well aware.
She asked how I viewed people.
And was befuddled and probably worried at my response.
I absolutely love people now, but that wasn't always the case. Not at all.
I used to see people as objects to use and discard as needed. If they looked weak, I would also dismiss them as being useless. I also saw someone close to me who had hurt me in the past as not even a thing, but a pest… like an irritating fly or a mosquito.
Y'unno, something that you could easily crush and move on from.
Anyways…
I've begun to understand over the years that the "techniques" I used when I felt apprehensive and wanted to avoid people that upset me might have been on the deranged side of things.
I'd get away from them… or act as if they weren't there and dream up ways to get back at them. Because I'm a visually inclined person, the thoughts I had then and still have now are extremely graphic.
I should probably tell my doctor about this, as I'm still dealing with horrible impulses. It's a lot easier to pull myself back, but I'm disappointed that I have to even do that still.
I recently told her that I felt like I wasn't exactly in my body sometimes. It's a very weird sensation. I also felt like everything around me was moving in slow motion.
I've felt "out of body" off and on for years, but I'm at times too stupid to remember to mention it to my doctor.
I'll probably forget when I go to see her again.
Bah.
~J. Lyst
I'm gonna tag this #formypsychiatrist so I can find the post again to show her.
She did say to journal about how I was feeling.
