A long time coming
Freedom in Christ has been a long time coming for me. I think one of the reasons is that I grew up feeling responsible for everyone around me. If they weren't happy, I wasn't happy. It didn't matter if they were family or not, although family was always dominant. When a person feels chained to the happiness in others, they are in a prison. Most of the time they don't know it, either. They are your typical people-pleasers.
And people-pleasers are not free.
Over the years, I slowly learned to let go of relationships that no longer worked but those relationships were not that important to me. But they were a place to begin. I had a long way to go because I clung to relationships that had deteriorated beyond repair.
Freedom in relationships
If you were to ask most Christians what freedom in Christ means to them, most people would immediately think of freedom from the consequences of sin. We now have eternal life and are freed from our"old man" (our sin nature) and it's influence on our lives. But freedom in Christ is far more encompassing than that. I'm going to focus on one area today, relationships. By relationships I am referring to all relationships we have, marriage, family, friends, coworkers, etc.
You know how when you are trying to learn a new skill, the learning curve is steep. You've come a long way but there's that final hump you have to get over. It was like that for me when it came to understand what freedom means in all areas of my life. Does that make any sense? And when I leaped over that hump, I knew I finally understand what it really means, especially in regards to relationships. The only way I know to say it is that I finally got it!
As long as I continued to accept more responsibility in a relationship than I should, I was not free. Now, I can say I'm over it. Only Christ can change anyone. We have one responsibility, us. Let's be clear, though. This has nothing to do with loving our neighbor as our self. It has nothing to do with when you have to be responsible for others, like a child, an aging parent, a sick or impaired spouse (sadly, me at this time), etc.
Feelings of failure get in the way.
I don't like failure. Do you see how I continued to feel responsible? I remember one relationship where I began to understand how freedom affected my relationships as well. I was getting to know someone through a Bible study group and would arrange coffee-dates with her, talk to her on the phone and invite her to functions. Our conversations and our time together was enjoyable. But then I noticed that I was the one who always called and scheduled time together.
A personal example
Before the relationship became any stronger, I put it to the test. I didn't reach out to her for weeks. Guess what? She never called; finally, I did. She wondered why she hadn't heard from me. That opened a much-needed conversation. I told her how I felt. She admitted she's not very good at being the one to initiate and that she was sorry. I accepted her apology but she made no promises for the future. The conversation ended on a good note.
I waited to see if she would call. She didn't. I didn't. She admitted her lack of responsibility but obviously wasn't going to change. There wasn't a deep or long enough relationship for me to continue it. It's what I would call a "hummingbird" friendship. She flit from one relationship another getting just enough food to satisfy her personal appetite.
It always takes two
Despite the disappointment, I knew that it takes two to build a strong and nurturing relationship. Understanding where the other person is coming from is crucial in any kind of interaction, especially in matters of the heart. While her reluctance to initiate communication was a point of frustration, her honesty during our conversation was also valuable. It allowed me to move on.
This experience taught me the importance of clear and open communication. In the end, it was a learning opportunity and a chance for personal growth. Understanding what we want and need from others is important in all types of relationships, from friendships to family to marriage. It's a reminder that each individual has their own way and time table of showing care and consideration. It's up to us to decide if we can live with that.
Moving forward, I carry this lesson with me, knowing that both parties need to actively contribute to the growth and maintenance of any relationship. It's about finding balance and understanding, and if that harmony isn't achieved, it may be best to part ways amicably, as in the case of my "hummingbird" friendship.
Relationship require reciprocity
Relationships require reciprocity, no matter what the relationship. No one person should carry the load. Yes, there are times one person gives more. It's the same with marriage. Right now my husband is more than giver because he has to care for me in many ways I can't. But it will even out once I'm on more mobile. It's the same with relationships. So what has this to do with freedom?
Reciprocity can be tricky to maneuver
The whole deal of adjusting to a friend's different schedule for giving back and forth can get pretty tricky, you know? How often you catch up can really depend on the type of friendship and the people involved. Some buddies are all about that weekly check-in, finding comfort and camaraderie in more frequent chats. Then there are others who prefer a monthly catch-up, making space for deeper convos to unfold each time.
And of course, there are friendships that chug along just fine with longer gaps, like every six months, yet still hold onto their depth and meaning. I have two friends near our cabin that I only see in summer. We pick up right where we left off, as though in the middle of the conversation.
Freedom in relationships is a personal thing
Ultimately, it's a personal thing, depending on the kind of friendships we're talking about. The cool thing about friendships is being able to embrace these differences and let them shape how we connect with each other. It's about understanding that each friendship is unique, with its own speed and needs.
So, deciding to adapt and make room for a friend's individual schedule is all about the heart of each friendship and how well the people involved really get each other. In fact:
you can love people more when you don't feel totally responsible for them or your relationship.
As long as you have not freed yourself from that unnecessary and destructive burden, people will disappoint and hurt you. But once you truly grasp that you are only part of the equation, you become free. But what does that freedom look like? How is it manifested?
Let people be who they are.
First, it means you let people be who they are. Once you do, then it's up to you how you respond. Do you still want them in your life? If you do, what are your expectations? Can you make them more realistic? When you make these decisions, something else happens, you are no longer hurt by their action or inaction. You are able to move on without judgement.
Remember that example I gave earlier? If she had even tried to reach out, however rarely, I think the friendship might have continued. But she wasn't going to and I knew that wouldn't work for me. BTW, we are still friendly and when I see her I'm genuinely glad to see her and chat for a few minutes.
Crashed friendships more common than you think
Over the years, I've talked to a number of people, mostly women, who have experienced long-term friendships that have burned and crashed. Many of them were long term friendships. They were left broken and bruised and couldn't understand what happened. But, I'll bet if they examined those friendships, they would have found that they were always the initiators in the relationships. And as long as they were unaware, it worked. It wasn't until they realized how lopsided it was from the beginning, did the relationship fizzle. It wasn't that the friend moved on; they were never really there in the first place.
Only one person was holding up the relationship. That person suffered "relationship fatigue" and believe it or not, it was them that was responsible for the demise because once they withdrew the legs out from under the relationship table, it collapsed.
And while I'm writing, let me add, it goes both ways. So be sure that in every relationship you have, you are carrying your fair share of the responsibility.
I used to even track when I connected with someone in my BUJO just to be sure I was doing my part. That may seem calculating but if track other things that are important, why not track the most important at all.
What being free doesn't mean.
It's not, tit-for-tat.
Freedom in relationships doesn't mean a tit-for-tat approach. Never! It isn't, I called them, now it's their turn to call me.
When it comes to relationships, it's essential to cultivate an environment of understanding and reciprocity. Viewing freedom within relationships as a tit-for-tat exchange is counterproductive. Rather than keeping score of who did what, nurturing an atmosphere of mutual respect and genuine care is far more beneficial.
Acting under the mindset of "I called them, now it's their turn to call me" can lead to unnecessary pettiness. True freedom in relationships comes from embracing open communication, empathy, and a willingness to support and be there for each other without expecting something in return.
It's not one-upmanship.
Just because you've been enlightened and freed doesn't mean the other person has so there's no reason for pride. You are not special because you are free from unrealistic expectations. You should want that for everyone else as well. Don't pat yourself on the back.
It's not flaunting your freedom.
The apostle Paul has some hard words about Christians who flaunt their liberty (freedom) in regards to gray areas.(Romans 8). He tells us that we have a responsibility to newer (weaker) believers as to our words and actions and how it may impact them. But Paul also states in Romans that we are ultimately only accountable to God. These statements by Paul seem to be contradictory but I think they are wrapped up in the Romans 14:12 verse, "So then each one of us will give an account of himself to God". It all boils down to that, doesn't it?
With freedom comes responsibility.
Wait a minute! Haven't I been writing about having less responsibility?
Here's the thing. Burdensome responsibility is just that. It's a burden. It's zaps of our strength and prevents us from doing what God has called us to do. I am the perfect example. Had I let some of my wrongly held responsibilities go sooner, I might have become an author sooner. There again, maybe I needed all these experiences to make me an author. Only God knows and He's not telling me. (Although, I wish he would.)
Embrace your freedom
Christ died for our freedom. Freedom from sin's hold over our life. And one of ways sin can still imprison us is through our expectations. Satan loves it when we are confused. He loves it when we have hurt feelings. Satan is at his best when we are not honest with ourselves.
It's when we our emotions are vulnerable that we provide an opening for him to do his work. Think Peter and his three denials. Peter was scared and vulnerable and Satan stepped in and took advantage. Think Judas whose pride and coveting made him vulnerable.
Think about Jesus, who was feeling so hungry and thirsty that he was vulnerable to temptation. If even Jesus could be tempted, don't think you're immune! While he was tempted because of his physical needs, our temptations will probably stem from our emotions. By recognizing how our emotions can make us more vulnerable to temptation, we can become more self-awAare and learn how to handle tough situations better, especially relationship ones.
Freedom provides insulation
When we embrace the freedom God provides us, we insulate ourselves in a way. Freedom means we are free to be responsible for what we are called to be responsible. Not anything else. As long as we place unnecessary burdens on ourselves, we make ourselves vulnerable.
A quick note. As Christians, we share a universal responsibility to alleviate the sufferings of the weak, infirmed, hungry, imprisoned, etc, in anyway we can. That should go without saying but I said it anyway..
Embrace your freedom in Christ. It's a marvelous gift that so many Christians never experience. I could actually feel a release within myself when I came to these realizations. Freedom feels free. Does that make sense?
God bless each of you today and don't be afraid to embrace the freedom that comes from letting burdensome responsibilities roll off your shoulders.
-
How freedom showed up in my life. Lessons learned.
A long time coming Freedom in Christ has been a long time coming for me. I think one of the reasons is that I grew up feeling responsible for everyone around me. If they weren't happy,…
Read more: How freedom showed up in my life. Lessons learned. -
When God frees us, are there restraints?
When God frees us, it's in many ways. Freedom from sin When God frees us it's because we have come to a place in our life where we realize that we are still in a…
Read more: When God frees us, are there restraints? -
Short-term decisions pave the way for long-term success.
Today, I'm writing about short-term decisions because I'm afraid I didn't get around to writing the post I wanted to write. My routine now My foot needed more elevating and icing yesterday. I'm determined to…
Read more: Short-term decisions pave the way for long-term success. -
How to treat someone correctly after surgery
Do unto others How to treat someone is always important. But how we treat people after surgery, or, let's say, a hospital stay or a long illness, reveals a lot about people. This happened to…
Read more: How to treat someone correctly after surgery -
Have had surgery. Now for the long haul.
Surgery was last Friday. No problems. Surgery day The day of surgery was a piece of cake. We followed instructions exactly and even had pillows in car to elevate my foot. Doctor had told me…
Read more: Have had surgery. Now for the long haul.
No comments:
Post a Comment