We stand in a circle in the church lobby.
Just a handful of co teachers singing…
Having fun…
I've been having trouble finding the words for life lately.
It's all in my head like a series of snapshots.
But the words… well, it's a struggle to find them…
It's only Wednesday night—but it feels like a full week has been crammed into the last few days.
I feel like my brain is t sure how to hit pause.
Monday was a whirl of last minute questions before board meeting. Volleyball with co-teachers after board meeting. Laughing hysterically on the staff-room couch. Crying with my head on my desk. Just a whirl of a thousand emotions.
Tuesday?
Well, most of Tuesday was spent arranging for my new piano.
Yes, my classroom now has a piano.
A dear, sweet little thing, that will make music, and make me happy!
And today… well, we sang after school. Sang, and sang, and sang.
I feel like I'm back to not understanding who I am again.
Life flows on—and I've accepted who I'm becoming… and then a trigger like on Monday hits, and I feel myself grasping for worth… drooping over the school books… trying to drown out life.
Am I the girl I was?
Am I the woman God is trying to build me into?
How do you span the bridge between bleeding—disfigured—and well healed scars?
I'd decided I was done with it all.
Done with the past.
That this year I was going to live free…
And as we chat on the way back from the bus lines, and laugh uncontrollably on staff meeting—I feel like a new person.
And as I cry into my arms on my desk—all the old pain rushes up like a water pipe that's just burst.
I guess the trouble is that both are true…
I'm not a disfigured girl with nothing but deep scars to offer… and I'm not a carefree girl who never felt the knife-cuts of abuse and grief.
I'm a girl whose learning to live again.
Learning to love again.
To trust again.
And it's not gonna be all tears anymore—but it's not gonna be all volleyball games either…
I guess it's like a song, life is.
Your fingers dance over the keys, and the music flows seamlessly from happy to sad… from fast to slow. Your hands linger over some moments—and fly swiftly over others… but you try to capture each note with your fingertips.
Just like in life you capture each moment with your soul… and you aren't any one moment… but each moment is somehow a part of you.
The joy and the sorrow… the today and the yesterday… the moments I want to hold, and the memories I wish I could forget forever… they're all somehow a part of me.
And that's okay.
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