To the offender,
Do not ever treat another man or woman in the same manner that you have treated me. And To your damn privileged deaf ears, visitante, hear me now. I curse you. If this court does not punish you then the court of god will and the court of karma
How dare you treat me in the manner that you did: I curse you to kindness!
I never would have even kissed you sober. Even drunk I knew i didn't want you but You ignored me
Your brute fingers I still feel. I keep replaying each detail each time I try to rest. I replay these moments when I stare at the road.
Day 1:
I hope you can't get hard and you get erectile dysfunction. I hope that when women see you that the light of you changes and they know to leave you.
How dare you? How dare you kiss me without asking my consent or call me a slut? Kiss me when I'm drunk. How dare you fuck me without and against my permission?
I curse you that if you ever harm another woman that your demons should haunt you every night you sleep.
I pardon you also and hope you find god. To treat me in the manner that you did, you must not know god.
Anna told me how you speak of the women here. You said that the women in Puerto Rico can be paid whatever and that they are all hoes and whores. Fuck you. Fuck you for your misogyny. Fuck you for your damn entitlement and lack of cultural respect
Did you expect me to be silent or submissive after you used me in the way that you did? No. You ignored my many nos. Now you will listen to me clearly or I surely would make you listen to me for the next two years or more.
Fuck you for pushing my head down and taking my clothes off when I put them back on.
Do not ever treat a woman in the way that you treated me or I swear to god I will haunt your every dream.
How dare you I said I was in the emergency room a week ago i don't feel well I said I don't want to get pregnant I said I don't want to have penetrative sex i moved my head away from your dock after you pushed it down. I put my hand out in front of my vagina. I got up to leave and fix my clothes. I told you i had had recent events where someone tried to hurt me and did not feel ready for sex yet.
You put me on the ground on my knees. You are not god and I don't get on my knees for men. You moved my body and my hands. But not my heart nor my mind.
I showed you pictures of my family and only wanted some food. I'd only been four hour home and you made me feel sick like whatever demon resides within you.
You made my first day back unforgettable. You said that my discomfort made you feel bad and that it was your birthday. You insisted I shower after you then left the next time because you knew what you did was wrong.
Your next birthday I hope you are kinder.
And I hope that if you do not have the decency to change after this I hope you're infertile. I hope you never have a daughter. What a shame you must be to your mother. How is it that men who come to violate women are born from us?
I curse you that if you treat any women with the disdain you showed me that you should not rest again
Did you know the fear I had in a hospital for hours and a courtroom explaining every detail of what you did to me and how you violated my consent? In English and Spanish I had to show them how you postured me. For days and still now it's hard for me to breathe.
I wish rather that i was dead than that Ihave to heal from this. I hope you can live with that. I would rather die myself than cause harm to anyone but you chose to harm me. Again how dare you.
Did you think I would be silent and submissive? No.
Again no. Listen again no. More than six times I said no. You kept trying anyway. Kissing does not mean fuck me.
You asshole. I hope you shit yourself for days on end from the migraines and the restless that you gave to me.
And again I hope you find god because it's obvious you do not know one another.
Day 2
You must not know who I am. I will tell you. I am the pride and joy of my father. I am the grease on my fathers hands that fixes every car on the block. I am the caretaker of my grandmother. I am the first in my family to finish high school, my bachelors, my masters and to now pursue a PhD.
How dare you show me so little respect? How dare you talk to me and use my body with so much disdain and such a lack of care? How dare you not listen to the many times I said no?
Day 3
It is strange how the first few days I thought everyone was laughing at me. The doctors the lawyers the police: Because I saw light in their eyes smiles laughter joy In my own eyes I could see only sadness disgust anger You took the light out of my eyes
When I look in a mirror I see fire in my eyes now
I wish rather that you might have killed me instead
I replayed every moment in my head until I wished I was dead. And I stayed in the shower for three hours and perhaps I stayed in there another six hours rinsing myself of my anger and your wicked energy.
I stayed in the shower until I felt dizzy and thought of ways to kill myself. I had a shaver kit in my beauty bag in the back pack by bed.
Did you drug me perhaps? I don't know?
I was dizzy and didn't remember some parts except that I said no. Except that I blocked your hands redressed myself and told you so
I will walk every path, sit at every table and ask questions until I know what occurred.
You don't get to change me who I am though.
You reminded me how much evil remains extant in this world. I won't change my light, nor my innocence nor my spirit. Me violo. You violated me but you do not get to change me.
Day 4
I'm still confused at how you could misunderstand my no's. You must like your women submissive. Pillow princesses. That's not who I am. It's only because you forced my hand.
I will let you go but promise me you'll get consent. Never hurt or harm a women again
I am not one that is easily silenced let alone silenced by a cowards violence.
Day 5
You must have thought I was easy
The truth is only you are easy
You take the easy way out
Get a girl drunk
Ignore her
Compliment her
Then call her a slut
You have no game.
The only reason you got to kiss me was because of the rum in my drink
I don't let people treat me the way you treated me
The real sexual bastard is the one who can't get laid
And If you think I'm dramatic
Because your unaccustomed to a woman's anger
I Bite with my words Not my dick
feliz cumpleaños pendejo.
Day 6
I know you will never hear these words. It's strange that prosecution takes two years. It's odd how justice involves jail when the statistics for prison rape are so high. Even though I hate what you did to me, I don't wish the same on you. I asked my lawyer why there is no courses for re-education of consent and women's rights for men? Kind of like traffic school after crashing a car. It's never good enough. And my body isn't your car. Still it seems strange that the price you would pay for my honesty is the price I already paid with my body. I don't wish that upon you.
Day 12
I'm doing my best to forget you.
Selective memory at the gym you appear for me to punch you
I will never not be strong enough to fight you again.
You keep appearing in my dreams.
I'm doing my best to move on.
No more nights where I meet you in my dreams
I've had to drug myself to sleep
Benadryl and melatonin
They make my dreams more vivid
But I'm doing my best to forget you
I stand against the tide
She pounds my body with her might
I stand against the tide
Until she clears my body and my mind
The waves wash over me
And again I am made whole
It has been only 12 days since I was raped by someone I did not know. This is literally a confessional poem. I hope it doesn't trigger anyone who has similar experiences. But I am still having trouble sleeping and the anonymity of my blog allows me the freedom to express emotions that I should not express to random people on my social media. This blog was never meant to be beautiful. Although sometimes I hope my poems are. Other times, this blog is just an opportunity to throw out into the abyss the emotions that I am not allowed to express openly or don't have the proximity or the intimacy with others that I would even want to share these experiences with them.
No comments:
Post a Comment